Sadness is Movement

“Sadness is movement.”- Josh Bales

Nothing could have prepared me for the pain of a major depressive episode. In 2019, I hit a wall. I was a closeted gay pastor in an evangelical mega church, terrified of coming out. I had a lot of wonderful friends and people who really loved me, but I was painfully lonely. Without feeling safe enough to share my story, I had convinced myself that no one would truly love me if they actually knew me. I kept hiding so that I could hold onto love, but I wasn’t able to receive it or believe it.

The sadness had now become too unbearable for me to keep the status quo and I had a choice to make. Do I keep hiding and continue to feel more lonely and hopeless? Do I run away from the life I had built and valued and start over in another city? Do I hurt myself through addiction or suicide? Or do I finally get honest… The LONELINESS of HIDING was OVER…

1. I came out, starting with the people that I believed would be the safest, and would have capacity to listen and care. They heard me and they accepted me and I will always be grateful.

2. I started taking an antidepressant. Years of shame had formed a persistent fog of hopelessness and fatigue symptoms that made it hard for me to push through the decisions I was facing. Lexapro helped me to have enough serotonin available in my brain to regulate my emotions and gain more capacity to choose hope.

3. I looked for my people. I discovered a mini-monastery of celibate gay Christians living out their faith on mission to serve their community. I found a whole conference run by and devoted to LGBTQ believers who were committed to supporting and uplifting one another. I experienced profound healing when I saw other people that I could relate to and who could relate to me.

4. I trusted that my pain would lead to purpose. I realized that the more I faced the shame and fears that had haunted me, the more I would find that I could understand and empathize with others in their own struggles too. I still get fired up when I redeem the experience of my darkest moments by shedding a light on how someone else can find joy in the ways I have.

Much more could be said about any part of this story but today, I celebrate how “sadness is movement.” I thank God that I was too depressed to keep living in hiding.

How about you?

How has past sadness caused movement in your life?

How is your current sadness trying to tell you that something in your life is ready to shift?